phantom wank
the phantom jerk is performed when one is bored with casual conversation and wishes to cause a disturbance. essentially, when the speaker enters an excessively boring stretch of context, the listener quickly makes a masturbating motion with one hand, never longer than one second in duration. eye contact must be held, because the aim is to distract the speaker but appear to not have done anything. the follow-up must be perfect: remain emotionless, because otherwise the speaker will know what’s up. they’ll often ask what just happened, but the jerk-ee must deny all involvement.
worker 1: yeah, so at tina’s party last night, she got totally hammered, man. afterwards we went to that new pub downtown, ’cause i heard they had some smashing sweet potato crisps, and-
worker 2: -fapfapfap-
worker 1: – some sort of new mixed dri.. what the f-ck was that, mate?
worker 2: what was what?
worker 1: i could’ve sworn you just had a w-nk at me.
worker 2: i haven’t a clue what you’re talking about. what’re you implying? (phantom w-nk successful.)
when a male sits on his hand until numb then has a w-nk so it feels like someone else is doing it.
i felt particularly lonely so i had a phantom w-nk, to pretend i have a friend.
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