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pro·gram·mer (n) an organism capable of converting caffeine into code.
programmer a “you started on that program yet? when’s it due anyway?”

programmer b “nah, not yet, and its due tomorrow morning at eight!”

programmer a “d-mn, you gonna get it done in time?”

programmer b “yeah, i’ve got a bottle of stacker ii’s and a pot of coffee, i should be fine.”
one who can read the following example
if( !user.isprogrammer ){
return “everyone else”;
}
semi-sentient being who inexplicably survives an extremely unhealthy lifestyle. usually found in confined sp-ces with low lighting, at a computer terminal.
“programmer a : the internet is serious business.
programmer b : very serious.”
a programmer is a person who p-sses as an exacting expert on the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague -ssumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive doc-ments and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
finance director: “hey programmer guy. when is the stock predicted to change?”

programmer: “01001001 00100000 01100100 01101111 01101110 00100111 01110100 00100000 01101011 01101110 01101111 01110111”
an individual skilled at writing software code.

neo-programmers are unlike computer nerds of the past. these new programmers are numerous, travel in groups, and can be easily identified by scruffy hair accompanied with a goatee. most enjoy arguing with you about the minutia of life. eating habits are poor, which generally leads to moderate or severe potbelly.

programmers also enjoy other activities, including online poker, halo 3, call of duty, gears of war, and playing guitar.

they can sometimes be abrasive due to poor underlying social skills. for example, every joke a programmer tells is specifically designed to make sense only to other programmers. this makes attracting females difficult, which can easily be fixed by meeting women through an online service.

non-programmer: what’s the difference between python and c++?

programmer: don’t talk to me you f-ckin’ nub.
a programmer is a human, rock, or any other object capable of turning pizza and caffeine into code. programmers minds are very complex – they like to explain things in ways that a normal human would not understand, and makes jokes that only programmers would laugh at.
programmer 1: you create a gun module, a gun cl-ss, a foot module and a foot cl-ss. after realising you can’t point the gun at the foot, you p-ss a reference to the gun to a foot object. after the foot is blown up, the gun object remains alive for eternity, ready to shoot all future feet that may happen to appear.

programmer 2: bwahahahahaahha

programmer 1: i even have one about java!
you find that microsoft and sun have released imcompatible cl-ss libraries both implementing gun objects. you then find that although there are plenty of feet objects implemented in the past in many other languages, you cannot get access to one. but seeing as java is so cool, you dont care and go around shooting anything else you can find.
it is really difficult to say what is programmer. on computer’s language this means “the lord”, though…
1001010010100101: 1001011010010110, how are you today ?

1001011010010110: thanks programmer, i have low load now, my processor cools down…