Search

the best town in the florida… no, wait, the entire world. that is, if you’re a) on crack; b) a redneck; or c) over 55.
the only entertainment for teens is the small and extremely dull mall and the overpriced movie theatre. wait… that’s in the next town.
world-famous as the former best place to live, and now as “the place that got destroyed by hurricane charley” in august 2004.
most middle and high school students now attend school in portables thanks to the hurricane that wiped out the (ancient and already falling apart) schools. the high school’s mascot is a fighting tarpon, and yes, that is a type of fish. the high school is filled with terrible academics, stupid people, a heavy concentration of rednecks and that annoying “i-hate-the-world-so-i’m-going- to-dress-all-in-black-and-not-shower” type of people, vicious and cruel-hearted teachers, and “guidance counselors” that try to send honors students to the local community college.
punta gorda is the home to a lot of old people year-round and even more during the winter. none of these old people are good drivers. it is also home to a lot of people who graduated from the high school and whose children have teachers that taught their parents.
almost every person under 18 complains about punta gorda constantly and plans on leaving imediately following graduation. in fact, getting out of punta gorda is such a big deal that some people may even kill themselves if they don’t get the h-ll out of the godforsaken town.

when punta gorda was on cnn in august 2004 after hurricane charley, the caption said, “punta gorda – a retirement community.”

and yes, punta gorda really is that bad.
punta gorda translates as: fat point, fat b-tch, fat wh-r-, etc, depending on who you ask.

students: go tarpons!
out of town people: what the h-ll is a tarpon?!

guidance counselor: so what are your plans after high school?
student: getting the heck out of florida!!
guidance counselor: really? well you should try going to the community college! -shoves pamphlets in the student’s face-
2 more definitions
punta gorda is located in southwest florida, in charlotte county. it is located about 30 miles north of fort myers and a couple hours south of tampa, which means if you are spoiled, make a good paycheck or somehow know people out there you have some chances of enjoying yourself. i fit none of those criteria.

as a bit of a breakdown of ages, 8.3% of the residents are under the age of 18, while 2.1% of the residents are aged 18-24. so basically, after everyone graduates high school, a good 75% of them flee town as fast as they can. can’t blame them, since half the population is 65 years or older.

for anyone 50+ years of age, married and close to retirement, it’s heaven on earth.

for any 20 year old single male without enough money to evacuate (temporarily or permanently), it’s h-ll on earth.

punta gorda killed my hopes and dreams.
parents: “hey, we’re moving to punta gorda. it’s always warm there, and everything is cheaper!”

me: “ok…”
-doesn’t bother doing research of his own, takes their word for it-

1 year later:

“f-ck my life…”
1: a city in florida full of rich people (in punta gorda isles), criminals (on cooper street), whiners (city wide), and 30 mph speed limits (city wide). there aren’t any stores in the city limits because the city counsel doesn’t allow it. the hosptial offers good care on the first floor but sucks b-lls upstairs. the high school is a piece of cr-p known as charlotte high school and can’t move on after losing their “historic school” that was destroyed in hurricane charley and has the worst academic record in all of charlotte county. any teenager with brains gets his/her parents to sign the paper so they can attend cross river rival port charlotte high school in murdock, florida to get away from the weirdos at chs.

2: fat point in spainish
1: i live in punta gorda.
2: punta gorda, florida is a punta gorda.