Redus

a creature made of pure energy who takes the form of a pedophile and is in charge of bringing miller lite to the ku klux klan meetings. reduses can usually be identified by a prominant crustache, the inability to properly sit down, and a stench which can be smelled from several kilometers away. instead of shaving, reduses shed their skin every 6-8 centuries. it is beleived that reduses are a species of angels created by leonardo da vinci in the high renaissance who hibernated for 500 years and are destined to help mankind fight global warming by converting people into pirates. reduses do not require sleep, so when everyone else is slumbering they return to their homeworld and fight each other with pool noodles to determine supremecy and who will get to mate with the prettiest earth children. at the crack of dawn, reduses return to earth wearing only loincloths and high socks. they then slyther on their stomachs in the savannahs of metrowest county and abduct children on their way to school. instead of killing or raping the children, reduses just lecture them about a random subject for hours. the child is then bitten by redus which causes him/her to transform into a stick of deoderant, which redus will never use. redus then swings his tail back and forth and uses it as a propeller to fly to school, where he camps out in his history cl-ss and snoozes underneath his invisibility cloak.
i woke up yesterday and saw redus standing over my bed. he had drawn a pentagram on the floor and was sacrificing a goat while reading the bible backwards in latin. i reached under my pillow and grabbed a steak and some holy water and stabbed him in the kidney. the redus then hissed at me and morphed into a minotaur, but i splashed it with holy water while singing “club cant handle me”. the redus evaporated into smoke and i could see it’s soul flying back to it’s homeworld of canada.