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renesmee (pr-nounced ‘mary sue’) carlie cullen (nicknamed nessie), a character in the four book twilight series by stephenie meyer, introduced in the fourth book breaking dawn. she has currently caused the downward spiral of twilight as a barely respected fandom, much to meyer’s b-tthurt dismay.

the sp-wn of bella sue swan and edward sparkle cullen’s bed-breaking, headboard-banging, pillow-biting loveplay, nessie is typically described in breaking dawn as “a giant, sparkly demon sp-wn,” “the loch ness monster” and “an abortion.” meyer herself describes nessie as a “glowing, wonderful, half-human, half-vampire baby that everybody should love, buy one right now and get 20 percent off your inevitable purchase of the twilight saga concordance, coming this christmas! it’ll be something the entire family can enjoy!”

renesmee’s nickname, “nessie,” can be attributed to jacob black, her mother’s former boyfriend and nessie’s own future lover (jacob had imprinted on a fresh-out-of-the-bl–dy-womb nessie).

nessie’s birth and conception are controversial topics in breaking dawn, leading many a fan as to question meyer’s knowledge of s-x and 10th grade biology. meyer, who had stated venom had impregnated bella in the book, cannot answer this herself, complaining that “my characters keep secrets from me,” further proof she is a nut case.

as a half-human half-vampire sp-wn, nessie enjoys the best of both worlds of humanity and vampirism. according to breaking dawn, nessie will grow up in 7 years of human life, and will stop growing once she’s legal and jacob can finally consummate their love. (eventually jacob will have to have a seat right over there.) also included in the vampire/human package is nessie’s vampire power of displaying her thoughts to a person by touching them, as if the simple thoughts of a plesiosaur was important to anyone. scientists call it a marvel.

the introduction of nessie instigated widespread negative reactions by twilight fans the world over, leading to m-ss sporkings, book burning and returning. a b-tthurt meyer had remarked that she had indeed planned for everything for bella to be perfect and unrealistic. one interviewer could plainly see meyer’s smug satisfaction of fantasy fulfillment. meyer has constantly backhanded questions of the possibility renesmee with half–ssed answers. fans were not amused.
renesmee? psh, that sounds like it came out of a fanfic on fanfiction.net!

…

it ends at eclipse.
the child of edward and bella cullen for the twilight series by stephenie meyer. her entire existence is a lengthy plot hole in the series. she is described as adorable, but we all know that she is a creep. she grows extraordinarily quickly because we would never want a child to detract from edward and bella’s all night s-x. this also means that she will be fully grown after seven years and that her predetermined love of her life, jacob black (who previously wanted to s-x up renesmee’s mother and murder her father), will be able s-x her up. renesmee also has the nickname nessie because jacob realized that bella needed a new naming book. (and nessie is soooo much better.)
rabid fangirl: jacob is not a pedophile because stephenie meyer said so! yeah!

rabid fangirl: renesmee is sooooooo adorable!!111one!11
me: -chokes to death on vomit-

the loch ness monster is not pleased.
1. a synonym for “failure”; often paired with the word “epic”

2. the name of bella and edward cullen’s demon-sp-wn from the last book of the twilight series
“dude, that breaking dawn book was an epic renesmee.”
full name: renesmee carlie cullen

-spoilers-

a half-vampire sp-wned by the famous dynsfunctional teenager lovers, human bella and vampire edward cullen in the fourth book, breaking dawn, of the twilight saga written by stephenie meyers. with bubbly brown eyes and a need to suck your blood, who can resist this little leech? not jacob, who upon first site on this child, falls madly in love. though rest -ssure, he’s not a pedaphile. he’s giving her a promise ring. in about seven years, renesmee will already reach adulthood (eighteen years) due to her quick growth and maturity. she also possesses a gift much akin to telepathy, letting her mother and father communicate with her even when she cannot speak yet. it is -ssumed her future will arise to greatness, and also some mad lovin’ with jacob.

when giving labor, bella was about to die. as a human still, she did not have enough strength to endure the little creature trying to squirm -cough, claw, cough- her way out. edward, always the knight in shining (literally, he shines) armor, simply chewed his way through bella’s uterus, allowing both to live. bella also was turned into a vampire as an effect of this, er, magnificent deed.

later, renesmee is thought to be a danger by the ruling vampiric family the volturis. bella plans to have renesmee run away with jacob, but thanks to alice, renesmee’s rare predicament of being a half-mutt isn’t so rare at all. another halfing exists in good condition, proving that renesmee will be okay. cue happy ending.
renesmee is also called nessie, like the loch ness monster, much to bella’s chagrin. and any other loyal fan’s too.
fan 1: “man, what was stephenie meyers thinking? renesmee carlie? that goes together like giraffes and post-it notes.”
fan 2: “i know. plus, they call her nessie like she’s some type of monster.”
fan 1: “well…she is.”
fan 2: “psh, don’t tell jacob that. he likes his girls young and bloodthirsty.”
this single worst thing which has ever happened to you.
dude, last night i: totaled my car; got arrested; got molested. it was my renesmee.
1. the name of bella and edward’s hybrid child.

2. the person jacob imprinted on.

3. a name that could be used in place of the loch ness monster.

4. the worst tribute to esme and renee the twilight saga has ever heard of.

5. similar to albus severus potter and zuma nesta rock.
1. renesmee touched her mother’s face.

2. renesmee is jacob’s world now.

3. “what’s that coming out of the water?”

“it’s renesmee!”

“what?”

“oh, you know, the loch ness monster?”

“oh, ok. stupid of me to forget that.”

5. bella cullen, harry potter and gwen stefani decided to write a book of baby names and have theirs inserted first.
the demon baby of edward cullen and isabella swan, characters in the twilight series.

will often be referred to as “nessie”, by her much older “soulmate” jacob black.

jacob: what’s your idea of a first date, nessie?

renesmee: omg. yay, tea party!!