sofa soldier

a male, usually in their 20’s, single, jobless, and shaped like a wad of cookie dough, who thinks he is a hard -ss or bad -ss because he plays violent video games all day long while gobbling fast food and soda. a grown–ss man who dresses like an 8-year-old boy (jorts, backwards baseball hat, 3xl sports jersey). acts aggressive in real life by cutting in line, pushing women or kids out of his way, bragging how he can kick your -ss while throwing around his shopping cart or merchandise in the store. when someone finally beats his slop -ss and big gutted ego back down to size and puts his loser -ss back in check, the soldier usually runs back to mommy’s bas-m-nt and faps to hardcore p-rn and eats a case of pringles. or works on his blog/podcast/hip hop
career.
my girl: “that dopey eyed sofa soldier thinks he is intimidating us by pushing his big misshapen self up closer and slamming his sh-t down while drooling and trying to act hard…”
me: “the only thing scary about him is how much of our tax dollars go toward keeping that waste of oxygen above ground…”
sofa soldier: “i’m hungry!!! and so tired from being up all night playing call of duty… ima kick somebody’s -ss if this line doesn’t move faster”
me:”easy fat boy! you might have a heart attack… just be patient this is reality not a video game”