St. Louis

while not technically the largest city in missouri (that honor belongs to kansas city, due to some creative annexing and stupidity on st. louis’ part), the entire area’s a lot bigger and more influential. home to budweiser, the st. louis cardinals and the gateway arch, this city of roughly 2.8 million people also has some good music, good food and weird customs. it’s pretty much boston-on-the-mississippi: mostly catholic, very insular, loves baseball a little too much, has an inferiority complex (here it’s with chicago) that we take out through baseball. it’s got a lot of bad points, too: we live too much in the past, we’ve deluded ourselves into thinking we’re either still really important or just a “big small town”, and we can’t support a football team worth a d-mn. overall, it’s a very midwestern city: misunderstood and a little weird.
“where did you go to high school?”–if you can’t answer this question with something an average person born in st. louis can understand, you’re f-cked. seriously.
#1 in baseball and #1 in crime.
-did you see the cardinals won the world series at home in st. louis?
-nope, i was too busy being mugged.
good city, only real hicks are in south missouri. and were ranked like 2nd most dangerous city to live in. so im sick of hearin’ how tough new yorkers are.
“i hear new yorkers are tough.”
“pssh. no!”
the best friggin city in the entire united states, if not the world. it features great cuisine, amazing people, and awesome schools. among its more famous attributes is the gateway to the west, aka the arch; as well as forest park, the st. louis zoo, six flags st. louis, and we are also the hometown of busch beer. it is also the well-loved home to the cards, rams, and blues. also, the people of st. louis know that there is no “r” in wash, which just makes them cool.
random person: “where are you from?”
stl person: “st. louis”
random person: “wow! that’s so cool! that city’s awesome.”
1. a tragically underappreciated urban environment, tragically situated in an -ss backwards state, which features beautiful parks, breathtaking architecture, and world cl-ss cultural amenities.

2. a city made up of urbanites, gays, and young professionals. a great city to live offering a low cost of living, up and coming public transit, lively night life, and some of the best educational inst-tutions of the midwest.

3. some catholic saint, who cares?
uninformed person: what’s there to do in st louis?

informed person: see above
the greater st. louis area is the only urbanized area in the state of missouri. (not miz-ur-ah!) there are no farms in the area short of the tourist-y places like grant’s farm, but even that is at least a fifteen min. drive from the city. essentially, the entire jewish population of missouri lives in the suburbs of st. louis and surrounding areas like university city,(aka u city, or jew city.) once you are half and hour’s drive from st. louis, the trailers get bigger, the trucks get bigger, and the people get bigger, and congratulations, you’re officially in miz-ur-ah, the redneck part of the state.
you know you’re from miz-ur-ah when…
-everyone in your family has been on a “float trip.”
-“vacation” means driving to silver dollar city, worlds of fun or six flags.
-down south to you means arkansas.
-the phrase, “i’m going to the lake this weekend,” can mean only one thing.
-you know what “party cove” is.
-you think missouri is pr-nounced with an “ah” at the end.
-you know in your heart that mizzou can beat nebraska in football.
-you think i-44 is spelled “foarty-foar.” (st. louis only)
-you’ll pay for your kids to go to college unless they want to go to ku.
-you know that concordia is halfway between kansas city and columbia, and columbia is halfway between st. louis and kansas city, and warrenton outlet mall is halfway between columbia and st. louis.
-you can’t think of anything better than sitting on the porch in the middle of the summer during a thunderstorm.
-you know that harry s. truman, walt disney and mark twain are all from missouri.
-you know what “cow tipping” or “possum kicking” is.
-you think “frog gigging” should be an olympic sport.
-you think imo’s is larger than pizza hut.
-you can tell the difference between a horse and a cow from a distance.
-you don’t put too much effort into hairstyles due to wind and weather.
-there’s a tornado warning and the whole town is outside watching for it.
-the local gas station sells live bait.
-little smokies are something you serve on special occasions.
-all your radio preset b-ttons are country.
-you know enough to get your driving done early on sundays before the sunday drivers come out.
-you actually get these jokes and p-ss them on to other friends from missouri.
the city that no one knows that much about, and most people in the country dont even know what state its in.
st louis is that guy at a party that you dont relize is there until he leaves with your chick.

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