The Boston-Providence Theory
the boston-providence theory states that there is nothing in rhode island that is better than anything in m-ssachusetts. rhode island was created in 1765 when jonathan williams, a prominent cartographer, sneezed while drawing m-ssachusetts. the most persuading data to back up the boston-providence theory is as follows:
1. boston > providence. boston has better people, bars, beer, accents, businesses, neighborhoods, rivers and schools.
2. harvard > brown. brown is the illegitimate step-child of the ivy league. harvard is the best college in the country.
3. cape cod > newport. newport is tiny and as aside from a very nice section near the water, is an appalling ghetto. cape cod’s gorgeous beaches and dunes are world famous.
4. whitey bulger > buddy cianci. buddy cianci got caught. whitey’s adventures sp-wned an academy award winning film.
5. roxbury > pawtucket. because if we’re talking ghettos, roxbury will f-ck you up.
6. dunkin’ donuts > dell’s. dell’s is a lemonade stand on steroids. dunkin’ donuts is a purveyor of the finest coffee in new england.
7. red sox > providence bruins. have you even heard of the providence bruins? their big brother plays in…boston. the red sox are a new england inst-tution
8. children’s > hasbro. when your kid’s got an earache, you go to hasbro. he comes home with the flu. when your kid has cancer, you go to children’s. he comes home healthy.
9. sam adams > narragansett brewery. sam adams is an internationally acclaimed, -ss-kicking beer. narragansett beer is simply narragansett bay sludge colored to look like beer.
guy 1: i don’t really feel safe living in providence.
guy 2: well according to the boston-providence theory you abandon that h-ll-hole and move to paradise.
guy 1: good call. what part of boston should i move to?
“after seeing the light, max found the red sox, left pawtucket and settled in back bay.”
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