The Odyssey

odysseus’s clan had just finished pwning the trojans in the trojan war. after celebrating their victory with large amounts of fist-pumping, odysseus and his men go trolling in the cicones’ forum. unfortunately, the cicones dislike the newf-gs, and request that the moderators ban them. odysseus gets perma-banned from the site, and six men from each squad had their accounts deleted for good measure.

the party then attempts to return to their clan’s homepage, ithaca.net, but due to a 404 error redirect, they land on the site of the lotus eaters instead. the lotus eaters are a group of lethargic people who enjoy watching optical illusions and double rainbows while snacking on some joints. they manage to persuade a few of odysseus’s men to sample some lotus/m. c. escher, and the noobs get their minds blown and refuse to leave the site with the clan. odysseus pimpslaps some sense into them and brings them with him anyways, and they web-surf away to the forum of the cyclopes.

silly 1500 character count, this isn’t even a 1/4th of the story!
an asian retold the odyssey like this for bilbo’s project.
upon his return, odysseus finds that multiple members are attempting to take his t-tle of leader, and they are vying for the support of his second-in-command, penelope. he finds his apprentice, telemachus, who has risen to the rank of senior member during the time odysseus was gone, and they agree that the other members must be banned. odysseus gains the support of two of his moderators, eumaeus and philoteus, and they prepare the banhammer for a m-ssacre. meanwhile, penelope, hearing rumors of odysseus’s return, holds a contest for the members, claiming that the winner will hold the t-tle of leader. she demands they free-hand a portrait of themselves shooting an arrow through twelve bronze ax-sockets in ms paint, and only odysseus is able to do so, disguised as a guest. revealing his true ident-ty by logging onto his main account, odysseus proceeds to ban the entire member list, sparing only those who did not attempt to woo penelope. he deranks his third moderator, melanthius, to junior member, and then proceeds to delete the account, as melanthius had helped the members instead of him. twelve of penelope’s apprentices also had their accounts deleted, as they had been on the friends lists of the ambitious members. satisfied, odysseus sends a private message to penelope, who recognizes odysseus from the olive tree in his signature. odysseus takes back his leadership, and ithaca.net is at peace once more.

thend
an asian retold the odyssey like this for bilbo’s project.
odysseus manages to return from 4chan, and circe gives even more advice to him, preparing odysseus for the sirens (rickrolls disguised as links to youtube music videos), scylla (a six-headed computer worm), and charybdis (a virus that divides /system32 by zero). the clan manages to byp-ss all three of the dangers, and only loses six members to scylla. they arrive at thrinacia’s website, where they were told to not spam users with sacred cows in their avatars. odysseus’s men spam them for teh lulz anyway, causing webmaster helios to appeal to anon/zeus for their deaths. anon/zeus smites down the clan with a brutal series of ddos attacks, and only odysseus is able to survive, having pressed the “stumble!” b-tton on his stumbleupon toolbar.

odysseus stumbles upon the webcam show of calypso, who keeps him entranced for seven days. eventually, anon/zeus sends hermes to calypso’s website, forcing the webcam show to be shut down and allowing odysseus to escape and attempt to return home. however, webmaster poseidon manages to stall odysseus yet again, giving him another 404 error redirect to the forum of phaeacia.

at phaeacia, odysseus starts a thread about his journey so far, and pleads for help from the phaeacians. they pity him, and allow odysseus to piggy-back on their connections to quickly return to ithaca.net.
an asian retold the odyssey like this for bilbo’s project.
at the cyclopes’ forum, odysseus and twelve of his men stumble onto polyphemus’s blog, and attempt to post on his recent entries. polyphemus logs on, and finds them trolling. enraged, he traces their ip addresses and forces them to stay on the site, and then steals six of their internet connections to use for downloading pr0n. desperate, odysseus launches a ddos attack against polyphemus, and manages to escape with his men as attachments to the cyclops’s emails. while web-surfing away, odysseus taunts polyphemus, causing polyphemus to beg webmaster poseidon to avenge him.
odysseus then meets up with aeolus, and asks for a paypal donation in order to help him pay for an upgrade from dial-up internet to verizon fios so that he can find his way back to ithaca.net faster. aeolus donates, but odysseus’s men, thinking that the transaction contained keygens for starcraft, hack into the transaction. paypal, sensing a security breach, shuts down its services for the next forty-eight hours, preventing odysseus from claiming his money, and therefore, his high-speed fiber-optics internet.

the clan then journeys onward to the private site of the laestrygonians. the laestrygonians, being the code monkeys that they are, are excited at the arrival of odysseus and his men. they launch experimental cyber-attacks at the party, and only odysseus’s squad manages to escape.

1500 character count is still silly.
an asian retold the odyssey like this for bilbo’s project.
the tattered remains of the clan attempt to take refuge at circe’s webcam show. however, circe baits half of odysseus’s men into buying premium accounts, and odysseus is forced to stop their subscriptions for them with the help of hermes the hacker. hermes gives odysseus the p-ssword for the admin account (p-ssword: moly), and odysseus then removes his men from the list of premium subscribers. circe then falls in love with odysseus, and agrees to help him locate his clan’s homepage.

she directs him to 4chan’s thread archive, where odysseus finds a thread with philosoraptor/teiresias being op. odysseus b-mps the thread with a necropost, and philosoraptor/teiresias responds with a post containing guidance for the dangers ahead. other users find the thread, though, and start replying as well. odysseus’s mother copy-pastes a creepypasta from /x/ describing her death and the situation at home, and agamemnon gives odysseus dating advice while warning him of telling women to go make him a sandwich.

byp-ss 1500 character count pl0x?
an asian retold the odyssey like this for bilbo’s project.
a long “epic” with 500 characters, all of whom have long greek names (polyphemos, demodocos, telemachos, etc.) or very similar names (antinoos, alcinoos. melantho, melanthio.). in which the g-d’s grant wishes and sleep with mortals.
person 1: did you read the odyssey yet?
person 2: no but i looked up the summary on sparknotes
person 1: d-mn i should have thought of that before enduring such torcher!