Theobald Wolfgang
a theobald wolfgang is a person whose personality is tinged with sarcasm, which is used as a self defense mechanism in all situations. he/she will keep orbit in business during his/her lifetime due to an insatiable chewing gum fetish.
a theobald wolfgang will also generally be obsessed with the movie 500 days of summer and actimel yogurt drinks. he/she usually has a remarkable ability to quote entire scenes of movies perfectly but will struggle to explain exactly what the movie itself is about.
while he/she dislikes most animals, a theobald wolfgang will generally have an odd obsession with cats, often keeping two at a time in his/her company.
a theobald wolfgang will also employ a chant known only as ‘the chop’ from time-to-time in an ability to highlight how obvious a statement made by his/her companion is. however, this chant is usually met with looks of incredulity from all within ear-shot of the conversation for its almost mocking tone and condescending manner.
a theobald wolfgang enjoys writing and playing football in his/her spare time, but will modestly claim to be useless at both despite the many accolades and praises of his/her peers.
“you got any chewing gum, mick?
“yeah man, here.” (hands paul a stick of gum)
“i knew you’d have some, you’re such a theobald wolfgang.”
—
“man, i got theobald wolfganged by christopher today.”
“how so?”
“well, we were talking about the leeds-spurs match and i was all like, ‘man, i can’t believe leeds could beat united but lose to spurs’, and he just started doing the chop chant at me!”
—
“i was talking to mich-lle the other day about 500 days of summer.”
“that’s not an intelligent thing to do, maria.”
“tell me about it, i got one quote wrong and she essentially quoted the whole film back to me!”
“that’s your own fault, you know mich-lle’s a theobald wolfgang.”
—
“jesus, that alana one really is modest, isn’t she?”
“yeah, i mean those poems she wrote were fantastic, she deserved her merit award from the school, yet still she gave your man, jack, the award instead.”
“yeah.”
(both people sigh)
“that’s a theobald wolfgang for you.”
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