Washingtonian

1) someone from washington.

2) a weird person who doesn’t use an umbrella when there’s clearly water falling out of the sky.

3) someone who pr-nounces oregon the wrong way.

4) a person who thinks the world is coming to an end when it starts snowing.

5) a person who is technologically underdeveloped.
1) “i’m a washingtonian.”

2) “he got pneumonia from being in too much rain and died.”
“why wasn’t he using an umbrella?”
“i don’t know. he must be a washingtonian.”

3) wrong way = or-ee-gun
right way = oh-ree-gahn

4) me: “it’s snowing!!!” -dances with joy-
washingtonian: “omg the world’s coming to an end!!!! everyone run for your lives!!!!”

5) “he died of heatstroke because he didn’t have an air conditioner in his apartment.”
“what kind of idiot doesn’t have an air conditioner in their apartment when it’s 115 outside?”
“i don’t know; he must have been a washingtonian. i hear they don’t believe in air conditioning.
people that refuse to marry outside the pool of graduates from the same high school.
friends discussing the union of the couple whose wedding they are attending:

“didn’t erin meet jay in college?”
“no man, she’s a washingtonian- it’s not allowed.”
people that dress up like george washington and eat children ages 10 and under. they claim that they are following in his footsteps because he too was a child eating being.
that washingtonian ate my sister.
the textbook performance of a washingtonian requires two men, one woman, one standard commode, one beer bong, and one beer. this maneuver begins with one man -ssuming the normal deuce-dropping position on the commode. the second man proceeds to remove the lid of the toilet and he then climbs onto the shoulders of the seated man for the purpose of executing an upper decker. while this unusual scene is unfolding, a female enters the lavatory with a beer bong and a full beer. she proceeds to prepare the funnel for usage prior to handing it to the man engaged in the upper decker. at this juncture the grand finale is about to reach actualization. the man sitting on the commode takes the beer bong while the man evacuating feces into the tank holds the funnel. the female that provided the funnel to the scat producing duo gets down on her knees and performs a blumpkin on the man.
your author is only aware of one instance of this bizarre, yet respectable, act. in 2001, the kappa sigma house at virginia tech (vt) witnessed the successful completion of this famed maneuver. during that particular academic year the frequency of blumpkin discovery on the vt campus reached an all-time high. the common fraternity trait of oneupsmanship led to the careful design and eventual execution of this contrivance. rumors had been ciculating on campus that certain fraternities were in the midst of significant breakthroughs relating to scat, urine, and dingleberry-related hoaxes. some dedicated scat engineers from kappa sigma attempted in earnest to design a proceeding worthy of nationwide acclaim. it was under these circ-mstances that the washingtonian was born, and it is under similar circ-mstances that the washingtonian will continue to exist.