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wkd witch – bleach ‘blonde’ size 16+ ladette who can reliably be found out on the town. loudmouthed, drunk and boisterous, the wkd witch never goes anywhere without her gaggle of similarly ignorant, brash, belligerent and slow-witted friends, her ill-fitting size 12 black mini c-cktail dress and, of course, her eponymous bottle of blue wkd which will stain her inevitable vomit at the summit of her night’s entertainment. then her ugly habit of friends will have an excuse to a) leave with a good excuse as to why none of them managed to take advantage of any severely inebriated, beer-goggled males, and b) jump the queue at the taxi depot, with a foul-mouthed retort to any objections based on the expedience of getting their blue vomit stained fellow slag/hag home.

by day the wkd witch may be found in the form of a typical chav female, whether on the ‘upmarket’ side of the chav spectrum (holds down some sort of job and idolises victoria beckham) or the ‘greater-spotted’ variety, in which case she’s likely part of the ‘non-working cl-ss’ idolises jordan, and may be on some sort of disability benefit, which entails a single crutch and feigned limp 6 days of the week (miraculously when she becomes ‘glammed up’, a-la wkd witch) her broom stick is no longer needed.

a tip for identifying a possible wkd witch’s dwelling, now that they no longer live almost exclusively in council housing estates – thanks to the taxpayer paying their rent to live in normal buy to let neighbourhoods – is to look for a single crutch (her magic, variably needed broomstick) at the front door so she doesn’t forget to use it, and get caught cheating disability benefits.

markings of the wkd witch, apart from cheap, ill-fitted black mini skirt/dress, include:

– orange skin from either gallons of fake tan/a uv lamp above the local video shop/a cheap holiday to ibiza or somewhere in spain;

– excessive peroxide – though she’ll pretend it’s natural and take ‘offence’ to any blonde jokes;

– variably-needed broomstick;

– eponymous bottle of blue wkd – also known as ‘tart fuel/juice’;

– cigarette (‘feegg’) – propped up fellow hag;

– sacred marking known as the tramp stamp – a ‘tribal’ or chinese symbol tattoo on the lower back which makes her feel exotic, s-xy and really unique. you’ll see this against your will as she deliberately bends over to show her alluring fat -ss (which she’ll blame on having a child 12 years ago when she was a teenager, despite been fat before from living on a diet of supernoodles, pot noodles and chinese takeaway) complete with sk-nky thong which accentuates it.

likely one of the oldest people out on the town as she will remain single/outside of meaningful relationships and immature, loudmouthed and brash with a belligerent, projected (pretend) confidence that she’s dead s-xy, as her friends falsely -ssure each other, despite her increasingly sk-nky, dried-up, sh-gged-out hag-like appearance.

makes frequent use of the words ‘clawwwss’ (cl-ss), ‘pawsh’ (posh) and “lussshh” (lush/luscious), quite probably has a child/children called jordan at a ratio of one child to each different father, one of whom seems to always be called jamesy. however, whether a mother or not, the wkd witch can always be found out on and about the town at weekends, despite every day technically being a weekend to most of them.
ugh i can tell a wkd witch has been in this taxi – look at this dried up, blue-tinted vomit stain with bits of chinese food in it.