bear stick
an important tool finely crafted from hardwood as a last line of defense againt grizzley bear attacks. to create a bear stick go camping with a bestfriend and talk about bears until both of you are scared sh-tless for no good reason. then find a stick about the thickness of chuck norris’ d-ck or 4″ in diameter. continue to tell scary stories around a fire designed to keep bears and mountain lions away while taking turns to sharpen the end of the skinny side of the stick. a full beard and a lot of vodka is a crucial part of creating the perfect bear stick. if and when the bear stick is complete and you are attacked and have wasted all large knives and rocks by throwing them in a frenzy allow the bear to charge at you and at the last second when it lunges to eat your face securely slam the blunt end of the bear stick into the ground and aim the sharp end at the bears chest. the bear will fall on the stick and die and then the bear stick can then be used to cook the bear rotisserie style over the fire created earlier.
mike: hey man did you hear that noise?
dan: yeah man sharpen the bear stick faster.
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