Xenu

xenu is the one that $cient0l0gists fear and hate most. they claim that he is the cause of everything bad in the world because he nuked a bunch of people in an earth volcano, then trapped the souls of everyone he nuked with sticky fly paper-like material, then made all the souls watch a 3d movie and finally released them back on to earth where they go around attaching themselves to humans causing them pain. $cient0l0gy makes their money by brain washing people into believing this cr-p and having themselves “audited” of these spirits which are called “thetans”. $cient0l0gists also believe that eating asparagus will prevent thetans from infecting you.

xenu is also the one who will provide all the wogs with mecha to destroy $cient0l0gy!

more information: www.xenu.net
i am an agent of xenu.
xenu!!! wwwwwwooooooooooogggggg!!!!!!!!
man, i can’t wait for xenu to give us our mecha so we can destroy that f-cked up cult!
a scientologist deity – an intergalactic tyrant trapped in an everlasting force-field – and an excellent imaginary scapegoat. scientologists blame him for all our problems, and you should too.
teacher: jimmy, you failed your math test.
jimmy: (pointing at sky) d-mn you, xenu!!
the evil galactic overlord who nuked our souls 95,000,000 years ago on hawaii – scientologist’s version of god.
xenu implanted 700 body thetans in me; i need to spend ten grand to audit them out!
$cientologists’ version of god, he made his prisoners watch movies, sort of an intergalactic mst3k, which are now the world’s religions. then he nuked the world 95,000,000 years ago. (source: operating thetan-iii, the part of their religion $cientologists don’t want you to read.)
xenu was a benevolent ruler, with only the best interests of the galactic confederacy in mind. seventy-five million years ago, the confederacy was in an awful state of affairs. gross overpopulation threatened to destroy the already fragile ecosystems and economies of many planets in the galactic confederacy, and xenu knew that he had to do something. he could stand idly by and watch the planets destroy themselves, or he could take action. thankfully, our dark lord knew what he had to do.

with his galactic fleet consisting of millions of sp-ce planes, xenu used an innocent ruse of “income tax inspections” and used the friendly help of pyschiatrists to lure and administer harmless injections to billions of confederate aliens into his fleet of ships. they were to be the sacraficial lamb for the greater good. they were subsequently frozen and packed into the sp-ce planes for removal. this was completely painless for the citizens involved.

taking our alien lambs to teegeeack (known as “earth” to humans) our dark lord xenu ordered his exalted renegades to latch the aliens to volcanoes where he quickly and humanely eliminated them. however, xenu did not take into account the souls of the alien lambs. the souls, called “thetans” by some, flew free. xenu knew that they needed to be re-educated to forget about what had transpired, so he ordered the exalted renegades to catch the souls in elecric ribbons and re-educate them using a 3d super-colossal motion picture. the souls were given visions of modern worldly religions and then released to the world suffering from a loss of ident-ty.

the re-educated souls flocked together to form cl-sters and inhabited the few remaining bodies that survived the explosions. these souls have transferred from person to person throughout each individual’s life cycle. these cl-sters of souls are known to some as “body thetans,” but the true followers off xenu refer to them merely as “soul cl-sters.” some believe they cause all of the problems of mankind. however, this is not true. instead, they grant us immense inner power.

but, as many things are, it was not to be. during the m-ss alien exodus, lord xenu’s exalted renegades were locked in heated battle with a group of evil disbelievers who addressed themselves as “loyal officers.” they may be loyal, but not to xenu. rumor has it that the loyal officers are trying to reform, but that has mostly been dismissed as nonsense.

the loyal officers were defeated once, then retreated to the dark corners of the confederate territory to regroup and rebuild. with a surprise attack, the loyal officers ambushed our merciful dark lord. they ruthlessly enslaved him in a force-field prison that is powered by an eternally-charged battery.
hail xenu!!!
im rideing a dc-8 for xenu
xenu wants you
the evil galactic overlord that stupid, stupid, gullible people known as “scientologists” believe to have wiped out billions of aliens on earth 75 million years ago. then xenu collected their souls, known as ‘thetans’, subjected them to brainwashing (how ironic) before releasing them back into the world, where they possessed our bodies and caused all of our problems.
“check check check it holmes, i’m gunna pimp-slap lord xenu an’ his thetans by givin’ mah life’s savings to some crooks, aiiiiiight! that sh-t be tight!!! then i’m going to live in a cardboard box under a bridge.”
1.) scientologist overlord who polluted the minds of earthlings
2.) ms. leap.
dude…xenu gave me a c because i oppose the holocaust

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