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a person who, after at least three years of intense, post-graduate studies, must p-ss a very difficult proficiency exam (the bar exam) in most states in order to do someting as simple as defend a person against a dwi charge. of course, this moron that is charged with the dwi is probably the same person who wrote the definition of attorney as “-ssmonkey,” because this human stain has no idea (and only subscribes to juvenile/comedic groupthink) what most attorneys go through to be zealous advocates of their clients.

naturally, there are bad attorneys, just as all priests don’t molest little boys. there are mechanisms in place to ensure that even attorneys accused of misconduct are given the same fair tribunal that everyone else is ent-tled to before being suspended or disbarred.

attorneys are some of the most powerful people in the nation: they can defend citizens to prevent them losing their property, liberty, and even their very lives. some of the more prominent attorneys in the united states were its founding fathers. others fought for the emanc-p-tion of slaves, voting rights for women and minorities, desegregation of public schools and facilities, and the very freedom to call them -ssmonkeys. before opening your ignorant mouth in the future and engaging in a “lawyer joke,” consider where the nation would be without them. for better or worse, we would not be a civilized society without them.

this definition applies primarily to united states attorneys, and not so much to my learned brethren across the pond, namely barristers and solicitors.
john: “what’s the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?”

jeff: “i don’t know.”

john: “one is a bottom-feeder, and the other is a catfish.”

jeff: “you are an ignorant idiot worthy of my wrath, but before i unleash it, go to www.definithing.com and educate yourself on what attorneys really are, f-cktard.”
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someone who encourages another person (usually, a friend) to pursue illegal, socially unacceptable, and/or dangerous activities. the encouraged activity will usually result in damage or suffering to the encouraged party, eliciting good times and hilarity for the attorney and other spectators.

this use originated in the hunter thompson book “fear and loathing in las vegas” which was later adapted into a film by terry gilliam.
as your attorney, i advise you to blow off work and get ripped with me.

as your attorney, i advise you to smoke 10 bowls in a row and then ride your bike down this steep hill.
the largest organized crime syndicate ever devised.
attorneys
hey lets pretend we care about people and help them in their greatest time of need. but we’ll make it so complicated and expensive that we’ll suck even more money from these stupid losers to make them feel even more stupid and completely helpless and poor that they won’t even be able to buy bullets to go postal on everyone that deserves it.
a legislator-in-training who hopes to grow up to be a real politician some day. see job security.
most legilators either have been, or eventually become attorneys, who practice the very law that legislators write, leading to a horrific conflict of interest between the two professions, by which government of the people is by the attorneys, for the attorneys.
a person that never creates wealth. an attorney waits for some other ent-ty to do something, make something,or have something so that they may attempt to pry some of that wealth away from the ent-ty which actually did domething useful.

often confused with a duece.

typical habitat is a golf course.
jim: i just got a letter from an attorney; we are being sued.

john: why?

jim: according to the letter from this attorney, his client wrecked her car last week in front of our business because she was so surprised by all of the cars in our employee parking lot.

john: (sarcastically) well there you go, i told you should not employ so many people!
an -ssmonkey with a college degree.
harvard breeds -ssmonkeys.