helmet butter

in sports, the greasy b-tter one feels on the sweatband of a helmet that is used by multiple people. it’s a positive indicator that the helmet has never been cleaned. helmet b-tter is ubiquitouslying noticed when picking up a sports helmet, is very greasy to the touch, and usually makes one grimace until they can sanitize their hand. helmet b-tter is not usda approved, even though it’s viscosity is measured in calories. the fda has started clinical trials as to helmet b-tter’s efficient properties for being a gag-reflex inducer, and is likely to get approval.
coachs handing out helmets to partic-p-nts often say, “yuck, my finger is covered in helmet b-tter!”

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