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the truth:

it’s a nice place. should probably be in cambridgeshire because it’s that nice.

the other “truth”:

saffron walden is a pre-teen chav infested town in ess-x. there are also slags with their skirts rolled up, ridiculous amounts of underage smokers, braindead zombies (who normally work at the local ‘supermarkets’) that consistently smoke weed, and of course – the core old people of this town who have probably never ventured north of littlebury or south of debden.

the quakers wont even let a f-cking sainsbury’s open up. if it was up to these quakers the town would only have a blacksmith, a spinning wheel, and some other pre-historic bullsh-t.

in the means of entertainment there is no cinema, bowling, ice rink, etc. there is however a bowling green, a cricket pitch and an art gallery.

there are also the ‘bazzers/barrys’. these people think it’s cool to sit on the ‘common’ (which is not incorrectly named) in their cars late at night. it’s also hilarious that the people who consider themselves the ‘hardmen’ in the town are 16-19 year old chavs that when confronted run home crying.

the town has about 15 pubs, but people only care about the cheap, loud, weatherspoons in the centre of town. the night isnt complete unless a dumb little chav starts a fight outside.

there is little else to say about this town. it’s my town. and like every other stupid local; i love this f-cking sh-tty little place.
example (1):

person a: i’m from saffron walden. a quiet, nice, clean town in the part of ess-x that should probably belong to cambridgeshire.

example (2):

person b: i iz from walden bruv. i iz gunna knock yo teeth out if u ask agen, innit. i break da law by drinkin’ in da park and sometimez i even spit on the floor!
a large town in the uttlesford district of ess-x. possibly one of the nicest towns in ess-x, however you do get one or two chavs in some parts of the town.
saffron walden has a mixture of people, many of whom are old, others are younger, especially the super hot girls who always go to weatherspoons. it is also near cambridge, so the people are respectable. it is a wonderful little town

it has a number of places to visit:

audley end house – a famous english heritage property that is often on the front cover of their handbook. recommended fr the under 8s and 50+

the common – a field of gr-ss with an ancient maze on it. there is also a play area. at bonfire night, a quite large fireworks display is held there.

bridge end gardens – a garden with a bridge. admittedly, it could be a number of bridges, but i would opt for the one on bridge street (however the river does then go into a culvert, so only one side is a bridge really).

the museum – a collection of old stuff

the church – it’s big
person a: “where did you go on the weekend?”
person b: “i went to saffron walden – we made a day of it!”
town in ess-x that has lots of smokers, chavs, girls wearing rolled-up skirts, abnoxious teenagers and children and random old people.

all respect goes to those random old people.

anyways, here in this town we like to name things improperly. for instance:

the common — no, it’s just a huge field of gr-ss, some benches, a little park down at the bottom and a ‘labyrinth’, when, in all honesty, it’s just some lines drawn on the gr-ss. it’s not a ‘common’, it’s a field.

bridge end gardens — where is this bridge end? in fact, where is this bridge?

for now, this is really all you need to know about this beloved little town. oh, and we got lots of shops :d
person 1: so where do you live, mr. chav?

chav: i live down in saffron walden. can’t get much better than that, mate.
person 1: ….