Saugerties

a small township in ulster county, new york.
affectionately referred to by the locals as a sh-thole and other endearing terms. the inhabitants have a number of discerning qualities that don’t really make them stick out from most small american towns, but are worth noting in any case.
1. saugertisians have an uncanny knack for being -n-lly conformist; indeed, the general population can be divided into seven groups: chavs, aging hipsters, “scene” kids, hicks, teenybopping harlots, more aging hipsters, and roughly normal people who just can’t wait to get out. a large percentage of the “nonconformists” wear the same clothing and tell the same jokes as all the other “rebels,” because it’s common knowledge that one must quote charlie the unicorn and shop at hot topic if one really wants to be different.
2. they’re also infectiously stupid. example: come check out our brand-new track at the high school…built to semi-obsolete specs. now we’re stuck with it for 50 years. cheers!
3. to pick out a local, look for any of these traits: fauxhawks and/or sh-tty mohawks. anything from hot topic, as mentioned. do-rags. greasy/poorly styled/unskillfully dyed hair (check all that apply). anything pertaining to a chavish look or manner, despite the fact that chavs are a british pestilence. thick layers of makeup on the ladies resulting in the look of a geisha dancer. t-shirts fronting obscure bands that n-body has ever heard of, or with ironic slogans that were funny a decade ago. clouds of spray-on deodorant that you can smell a mile off but fail to conceal the reek of cannabis. m-ssive hoop earrings you could stick your head through. basketball shorts or sweats. “handbags” that are bigger than the women carrying them. expensive and sh-tty “snowboarding” gear that is about as useful for snow sports as a salami is useful for self-defense. chains, spikes and studs of all varieties, bonus if they’re not actually metal.
4. there are no nice cars in saugerties. that is a popular misconception. excluding the local car show, the only vehicles to be found are tractors, rusty pickups, minivans, and -ssorted hideously painted/decalled monsters that might once have been decent-looking. the drivers either amuse themselves by picking their noses while negotiating hairpin turns and black ice at mach one, or drive excruciatingly slowly, forcing everyone behind them to slow to a crawl.
5. in the school system, a newcomer can occasionally find the rare group of – dare i say – cool individuals, who will gladly shelter them and provide some measure of relief from the daily grind. you are blessed if you encounter such a group, for they are few and far between.
6. tourists. if it exists, they will come. really. people drive two hours north from new york city to “look at the beautiful foliage” and the “picturesque mountains”? give me a break of the f-cking kit kat bar. why do they come here? n-body knows. in any case, it makes the situation more aggravating over the weekends and holidays, for in addition to the standard hudson valley fare (sc-m), one has to put up with the sn-bby big-city bourgeoisie as well. some even buy summer homes! o.o
7. if the message hasn’t got through yet….stay away from this unholy den of iniquity. saugerties is not your friend.
saugerties meathead: hey, i’m beefy and huge. wanna suck my d-ck?
someone else: -uses taser-

saugerties hipster: hey, i listen to vinyl records while doing drugs. wanna become my indentured servant?
someone else: -uses pepper spray-

saugerties townie: hey, i carry a skateboard and spray paint even though i can’t ride or tag for sh-t! wanna go get drunk and do totally innocent, legal, and consensual stuff?
someone else: -cracks board over head, sprays paint in eyes-
a place where mostly everyone in the town (unless your a sc-mbag or a hick) will admit to woodstock and kingston being better. many are jealous of schools like onteora and kingston because they have a wider range of people who come from other places besides f-ckin’ saugerties. everyone seems completely isolated from echother at the highschool. smoking weed (which is completely accepted in woodstock by stereotypes of all kinds) is seen as a sc-mbag activity due to the botards who are always near the trail
myself: “look at that nasty chick with the hoop earings rocking an icp shirt. why can’t saugerties have decent girls?”

friend from saugerties: “i have no idea dude, i’m ready to get the f-ck out of here in about 2 years. g-dd-mn trailer trash”

myself: “i wish i could walk through saugerties without looking at a botard posted up at every corner. don’t these kids have better sh-t to do or is doing bad dye jobs and smoking marlboros there life?”

myself to friend who lives in woodstock: “wow dude your school is already having dope parties in 10th grade with cools who are actually decent human beings? how was the one last night?”

friend: “it was sick, like 40 people from my school went. definately a good night”

myself to friend who lives in woodstock “d-mn man, at shs your lucky to find 3 people partying together”