Utah Standoff
when two men (typically mormon) lock eyes and proceed to simultaneously give each other hand-jobs in a contest to see who can withstand -rg-sming the longest. the first man to -j-c-l-t- has “lost” the utah standoff and is, by virtue, a h-m-s-xual.
this widely practiced method of settling disputes originated among adam smith’s early followers as a non-lethal alternative to dueling. recently, it has been employed as a litmus test to determine where a man falls in the spectrum of s-xuality, as a heteros-xual male would obviously not allow another man to force him to climax.
these affairs are rarely witnessed as they occur behind closed doors due to the socially questionable nature of the practice, but are truly a spectacle to behold. there is typically an exorbitant amount of grunting, grimacing, sweating, trying not to make out with each other, and occasionally crying, ending with an outburst from the losing contestant that consists of equal parts -rg-smic pleasure and shame.
it is rumored that joseph smith hurriedly invented the utah standoff to explain what was happening when someone walked in on him p-ssionately and intensely jerking off one of his followers, but again, these are only rumors.
ezekial: that is verily my sheep, for i recognize it as the most beautiful in the flock. return it to me at once, jedidiah, or i shall invoke the utah standoff.
jedidiah: bring it on.
(utah standoff proceeds, ezekial is defeated)
jedidiah: victory and the sheep are mine to enjoy!
ezekial: i love you.
jedidiah: i love you too.
me: that’s pretty gay.
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