Coffee Vulture
a person who knows the sound of a coffee maker quite well, though never brews a pot. as soon as a coffee vulture hears the sweet sound of morning ecstasy brewing they immediately drop whatever unimportant task is being poorly done to find the source. once located, a coffee vulture will then spectate, possibly drooling down its shirt. whilst waiting awkwardly in a doorway or some other location that obstructs the flow of traffic, a vulture never lets its beady eyes leave the objective. silently waiting either because watching is as much as its little brain can handle or because it has been labeled a f-cking idiot and no one f-cking gives a sh-t what this piece of sh-t has to say anyways. upon the coffee maker’s completion of its task the vulture waddles over and pours a cup before anyone else. the vulture is first not due to speed, but rather the overall repugnant nature of such a ‘person’, once the vulture’s destination is known that area is then vacated and avoided until it has left. upon filling its cup the vulture then returns to whatever meaningless task it was doing, periodically returning for more coffee until dry. after which this piece of sh-t might say, “looks like we’re out of coffee.” in hopes that someone more useful than they may make another pot it can wait on.
“is the coffee done yet?”
“no, the coffee vulture is still in there.”
“d-mn, i guess i’ll just wait.”
an individual who stealthily pounces on a pot of coffee which has just finished brewing. usually travels in packs just large enough to require a full pot to satisfy all of them. as a general rule, coffee vultures never brew coffee themselves, even if they leave a completely empty pot. rather, they prefer to wait with empty cup, keeping ears and noses perked for the next unsuspecting rube to brew more.
especially insidious in workplace environments which provide drip-coffee machines, allowing employees to make their own pots.
“ffs! i’ve made coffee three times today and every time i got back to the pot, the coffee vultures had gotten there before me!”
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